The Tracks of my Tears

A few months ago, I remember thinking, 'It feels like forever since I've cried...I mean, REALLY cried.'  I honestly couldn't think of the last time I'd had a good hard cry.  Once I made that discovery, I actually started to feel a little bit worried.  Not that I wanted to be going around bawling my head off all day, but I was concerned that something had changed in me.  Was I not as tender, or as receptive to emotional/spiritual triggers that would have previously moved me to tears?

A few weeks ago, I dropped my husband off at the airport.  It was really early in the morning, and he was heading across the world for a long humanitarian/climbing trip to Kenya and Tanzania.  On the way to the airport, we chatted a little about the details of the trip, and I went on and on about a TV program I had seen the night before.  I wasn't purposely avoiding being "mushy" by talking about how much we would miss each other or anything.  We just didn't really go there.

So I'm parked at the curb in the drop-off zone, and Steve turns to me, says "I love you, Mindy" and puts his hand tenderly on my back.  It was as if that touch sent a shock-wave to my tear ducts and pretty much busted them WIDE open.  I literally burst into tears.  I don't think Steve expected that, and quite frankly, neither did I.  After a few hugs and "goodbyes" I sent him off on his awesome adventure and then attempted to drive home.  Have you ever driven past someone who is sobbing?  I'm sure it may look sort of amusing and a little frightening.  I had to pull over in Bountiful and pull myself together.  

And I am STILL pulling myself together.  It's been such a long time since I cried this often.  The thing is, it's not that I'm feeling overwhelmingly sad.  It's been a super eventful few weeks and I have certainly kept busy holding down the fort.  Life goes on even when your spouse is out of town, and I am truly happy that he is able to have this life-changing experience.  I guess I just didn't anticipate MISSING him so much.  I really miss him.

So, he texted me on Mother's Day and I cried.  He called a few days ago and I cried.  I drove down to my Dad's yesterday before church to take a lasagna for a later dinner, and after hearing a touching song on the radio I started crying...again.  I actually said out loud, "Are you KIDDING me??"  I couldn't stop it.  When I got to my Dad's, I couldn't even look at Marylin without it all coming out again.  Embarrassing!  The last thing I want to look like is the woman who falls to pieces at the drop of a hat.  But in those moments, what I "look like" is the last thing on my mind (speaking along those lines, there WILL NOT be a picture to accompany this post - I just might be the ugliest crier ever).

This morning, as I was wiping away yet another batch of tears (let's see - I think these were brought on by hanging up some of Steve's shirts - oh brother!), I stopped feeling ashamed about crying yet again and really felt an overwhelming sense of happiness and gratitude that I actually miss my husband so much that it moves me to tears.  These are LOVE tears, baby.  So I'm going to let them flow freely and with pride.

I have deep respect for military families or other couples who have to spend a great deal of time apart.  The relatively few days that Steve has been gone are nothing compared to what so many other couples endure.  I've also gained an appreciation for the work and sacrifice that goes into single parenting.

When Steve gets back, I'm going to ask him to touch my back in the same spot, with the hopes that whatever he activated will shut down for awhile!  Thanks, everyone, for your love.  And thanks, Steve, for being such a wonderful husband that "missing you" has turned into my newly-discovered talent.

Now, if you'll excuse me while I find another tissue...     

Comments

[Tausha Dingman]

Mindy, that was the sweetest post I have ever read. I love that you miss him so much. I wish my Brothers wife missed him that much. In this world today, it's a beautiful thing to read such a post and see the love between a husband and a wife, your kids are very lucky to have parents who love each other so much. It was so great to finally meet you in person and your kids. Thanks for coming to the BBQ and sharing your family with us. We are very blessed to know you.

[Michelle]

What a cute post. I'm sorry that you miss your Steve so much but I think it's cool that it shows just how much you love him. :) Sometimes we don't realize what we have until it's gone. I hope the rest of his being away goes by quick! Thanks for the cute post and the reminder to cherish what we have and to appreciate those who serve our country.

[Rachel]

don't worry, mom. I cried when I talked to him, too!!!!!! I miss him!!!

[Andrea]

I want to give you a hug! You are so awesome for supporting Steve on this trip. I know it's a HUGE sacrifice to have him gone. Keith's trip to Iceland was the same way. But to have him home and for him to just glow about the amazing experiences will be so fun. Those reunions are the best!! :)

[Kanien]

Hi Mindy

I saw you and your girls singing at Women's Conference. It sounds tough, being without your husband for a long time. Next time make sure he takes you with him!

[Shannon]

This was such a sweet post. You're right... you are so lucky to have such a great relationship!